apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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