Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
