Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
