Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
