isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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