My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like eating out sand paper
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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