Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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