The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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