I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
