I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
