Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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