sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
