You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
