so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
