god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no, he came in my armpit
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
