and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
