just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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