Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
