I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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