So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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