just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
