take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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