i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
