I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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