Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
