You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
