nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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