so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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