u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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