My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?