i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?