I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Text me some of your sweat
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
