He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
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You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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