At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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