How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just invented taco cereal.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.