I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?