Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.