So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm like, not good at living.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
