apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
