my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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