her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
