He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
