dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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