So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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