I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
