I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
