I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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