I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
