Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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