I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
