So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
