There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
