I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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