sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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