A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
