Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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