If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hippo gnu deer
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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